Pain

So I had a fight a couple months ago with a very close friend. Someone I thought was my best friend. I guess you can't even really call it a fight. She just out of the blue wrote a two page e-mail listing all the things she hated about me (I didn't think anyone could be friends with someone they hated that much). I never responded to the e-mail. I just simply tried to move on with my life. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and this was hers. Besides how can I continue to be friends with someone that (a) hates that much about me and (b) doesn't have the balls to talk to me about. When I confronted her because she was acting strangely she would say nothing was wrong, "everythings fine.". Then a day later I get said e-mail. Like I stated before I thought I was fine. Yes it hurt but what could I do? And this wasn't the first time something like this had happened between us. I just figured we were older and wiser now and more mature to handle any problems that might arise. Looks like I was wrong.
The problem I now have is that since our break I've now lost two other people I used to hold dear to me. I'm not the kind of person who lets people in easily. I have lots of friends but very few friends, if that makes since. I've been pushed over and taken advantage of many times over in my day. My family says it's because I have to big a heart and that I'm too forgiving. This may or may not be true. I just like to look for the good in people and firmly believe in second chances.
The two other people that i've lost are her boyfriend (whom I was friends with long before she knew him and helped get them together.). He was one of my best friends (guy or girl). He was my shoulder. Someone I could call day or night to talk to when things got rough. The other was a mutual friend of the other two. She started out as a bar friend and quickly became apart of my everyday life. I'm not sure what happened with her other than she stills talks to the original source of the problem. As for him I can only assume that because he is the sources other half he is not allowed to make his own decisions and talk to me.
Now I what you are thinking because I've been told time and time again that if this is how these people are going to be then I don't need them. And believe me when I say part of me fully agrees with this and I used to live by it. It's just hard when you realized all at once that the majority of the people you thought were your family are really just selfish, self-centered, assholes. I'm not really sure what I expected to get from writing this. Maybe just a piece of mind. That now that I've put this out there I can move on and put it behind me. I'll let you know how it goes.

today

Today I awoke and realized I missed you. I lay here beside you and yet you are a million miles away. Where you went or when you left is unknown to me. All I know is you are no longer here. It burns and hurts to awake to someone who no longer sees me. I try everyday to bring you back but you won't return. Why do you stay? Is it out of pity? Or even worse routine? If you are not happy here anymore why not finish the process and remove your physical form? I know you feel it in my touch. That longing for you to return, yet you refuse. Your mind is on something, perhaps, someone else. Yet you stay here with me, why? Can't you find it in your soul to tell me how you feel or just walk away and let it be over? Instead you stay and mess with my head. I will never understand so I'll make this easy. I'll gently kiss your cheek and walk away. Tears will not appear. I will not allow you to see the hurt. Rage will not replace the sorrow. I'm better than that. I will simply walk away and piece my heart back together and one day give it to someone who wants it.

strange

Is it strange that I've never seen your face but I have these feelings?
Is it strange that I've never physically felt your touch, but you touch my heart everyday?
Is it strange that you invade my dreams?
Do I invade yours?
Is it strange that I am falling in love with a voice on the phone?
Is it strange that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough I can feel you beside me?
Is it strange that I want to hear your voice every night before I fall asleep?
If it is strange I don't care.
It feels right to me.

just a thought

What is love? How do you know when it's real? How do you know when a lover loves you back? Is it in the way you look at each other or in the way you embrace one another? is it the way you talk? Can you see it in their eyes or smile? Can you tell by the shiver that runs down your back when they enter a room or the cool sweaty palms you get when they say hi. Are the knots that form in you belly when they smile a sign of love? Or is it simply the way you feel when you think about them? Or how they make you feel when no one is speaking at all?

randon thoughts

I once heard someone say "It's not the meaning of life, but the feeling of life." I would have to say I fully agree with this statement. There is no manual to life so the meaning of it is for each of us to find on our own. However, in this pursuit we shouldn't forget to stop and appreciate the small things along the way. Like a hug from a loved one. How do you know they will be there tomorrow to give you the same hug? Or a pretty picture, how long does it really take to burn that image in your head? Or those 5 minutes when time stands still from a lovers soft kiss and warm embrace. You have to feel your way through life and decide from there which path you want to take. Whether it is the high road with great goals and ambitions or the low road where you are content with day to day life, these choices are up to each of us to make. Personally I choose a little of both of these paths. I have goals and ambitions that I shoot for everyday but I also have learned to step back from time to time and just enjoy the day. I've done a lot of soul searching and found many little things to help keep me in a positive attitude towards life. When I'm feeling down I'll read a good book or listen old 80's rock or an old Hichcock film. Too many times i've seen friends or loved ones look around themselves and ask what they are doing with their lives. Unfortunately I can not answer this question for them or even point them in a correct direction. They only thing i can do is sit back and ask them questions that will have them thinking about their own lives and where they need change. The only person in this world you have to please is yourself and we all need a nudge once in a while to help us find it.

I am new to this whole blogger thing. So I find myself drawing a blank as to which words to put on the page. I should apologize to those of you who are going to read this hopes of great writing, maybe that will come later. As for now this is just random thoughts on a page. I have recently found myself in a struggle. More with myself than with another individual. The struggle I am in is how to gain happiness. I know I want to be happy, but as far as what makes me happy is a blank. I've never been the type that has needed a man to make me happy or material things of any kind. The past few years I've been wondering through life in hopes that someone or something can point me in the right direction towards happiness. Yet every road I've traveled has lead me to the same dead end. I guess I should start at the beginning of this story and give you a little background into my life. I used to be an all American career woman (whatever that means). I had the 9-5 office job and was fresh out of high school. Sure at first this was great. I was barely 19 and had a job most of my friends would kill for. I wasn't serving questionable food to ungrateful customers any longer. I had my own office with my own extension and computer. Life was good. Well this got old quick. Soon it was almost 6 years later and I realized I've done nothing but go to work everyday. I put off college and dreams of any kind just to get ahead in the world. Why would anyone want to do this? Young and dumb I guess or just not thinking of what else the world had to offer at that time. So at the young age of 25 I quit my high paying and high stress job to start school again. I found myself taking a step backwards. I had my own place, car, bills and suddenly couldn't afford these things anymore. I moved back in with my parents and started going back to school. I felt accomplished for a while. Now here I am 27, still living at Mommy's and going to school. Now I know what you are thinking..at least you are going to school and doing something. I feel the same way however, I must say that I do not feel as accomplished as I once had. I am slowly realizing that I am now closer to 30 than 20 and life seems to be slipping away. When I was younger I always thought that I would be married and have kids by this point in life. Now being here I can't even imagine what life would be like with those things. I guess at this point in life I'm craving some excitement or some change of some kind. What that is I am not exactly sure, but something other than the everyday life. When I find it I'll be sure to let you know.

who knows

People come and go from your life for reasons we may never understand. Most of them impact us in one way or another. It might not be for years before we realized why they were once graced on our stage of life. Some people impact us so much we choose to work them into our daily lives and keep them around for years. Most people you allow in should have a positive effect in your life. However, there are a few wolves hidden in sheep's clothes. These people will leave you in such a whirlwind that you don't know which direction you were headed in or better yet where you just came from. When these people come into your life it's to teach you something you've forgotten or never learned about to begin with. They will disguise themselves as friends or lovers. It is your job to try and spot them before the damage is done. Sometimes it's unavoidable. This is all just apart of life. Friends are supposed to be the family we are allowed to choose. So why is most of our pain comes from these people? I know in my experience with "friends" I've been challenged in just about every form of the word. I've had some of the closest people to me look me in the eye and flat out lie or steal, or the best one, sleep with my partner. How can one lower themselves to this level of hate. To purposefully hurt someone that is supposed to mean the world to you? These are just some of the questions I'll never understand, but with each trial and outcome I will learn something to add to my life later on.